The Espenblog

"You never know what may come forth from this simple-minded man!"

Get The all With One

Written By: Generalharv - Feb• 25•12

The views and opinions stated herein are strictly the views and opinions of the author, Harvey, and do not reflect the views or the opinions of The Espenblog. I’m so happy that I’ve been able to find a place where I could use that previous line. I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to write that. Alright, allow me to continue from where I left off the last time. You’ll have to go back and read the article that I wrote yesterday to understand what I’m writing today.

Observing humans through the eyes of a monkey, which I am, is great entertainment. Humans think they have answers for everything. If they don’t they’ll make up an answer. There are some humans that when asked a question they speak a thousand words but never give an answer. The what you call it’s are a prime example of speaking but never saying anything. The people who have a face on both sides of their head; oh yeah, politicians are good for that. Anyhow, it makes for great entertainment in the animal kingdom when humans come up with some of their answers. The best of all is when humans find ways to make other humans believe they have the most crucial medical or mental condition known to man. I’m just saying.

It seems that humans have a name for every condition under the sun. I take my hat off to the human race for the great strides they have made in medical science through the centuries. Lives have been changed and saved because of these advances. If you are sick or have a legitimate condition I am truly sorry and I hope you get well soon. What I’m talking about is this here thing called Phobophobia or King Phobia as I’ve named it.

I counted 31 different phobias while I was reading that covered just about everything imaginable. I added number 32 to the list because the one phobia called ablutophobia, which is the fear of washing and/or bathing caused me to fear running into or being around someone that had that phobia. I named my phobia bophobia with the first 2 letters, bo, standing for body odor.

I’ve determined that if you have this Phobophobia thing you are in a world of strain. Should you be stricken with the King of Phobias you are toast. Remember, I’m looking at your human condition through the eyes of a monkey. Allow me to explain. The other 31 phobias cover specific things such as fear of enclosed places, fear of flying, fear of the night, fear of snakes, fear of dogs, fear of heights, etc. There seems to be a redundancy of some phobias such as fear of snakes which is snakephobia but yet it’s also listed under animal phobias. I don’t understand why one phobia isn’t sufficient but that’s humans for you. For some kind of fear there is a name for that fear and if there isn’t someone will come up with a name. I’m just saying.

Here are two that have me stumped. Eosophobia is the fear of dawn or daylight while nyctophobia is the fear of the dark or of night. I’m sitting here wondering what you would do if you have both of these phobias. Throw those two phobias in along with the fear of surroundings in the home and you have a real problem. If you have an answer please let me know. If you would like to see these phobias for yourself go to this link. Tell me if your wheels start to turn while you’re reading about the phobias. You won’t find bophobia on the list because I made that one up but I’m going to suggest to the phobia people that it gets put in there.

Now for the final phase on my observation of human phobias; the big, bad, most powerful, overwhelming, nastiest, most feared and dreaded, phobophobia. King Phobo is the fear of phobias….all the phobias known and the ones to come. When a human has phobophobia they live in a continual state of fear that they may get a phobia but they already have a phobia. This bad boy will make your hair stand on end, unless you are completely bald. Phobophobia covers all 31 phobias and their sub phobias that lead to other phobias. What a way to fold everything so neat and put it in a nice little package.

If the shrinks can’t fit you with a phobia or a sub phobia they can lay that phobophobia thing on you. There are some humans that worry because they don’t have anything to worry about. I wonder what that phobia is. So there you have it, my viewpoints on phobias and phobophobia. Don’t forget to go to this link so you can read for yourself the many phobias that are available. If I was human I’d get that phobophobia thing that lets me fear that I might get a fear.

Thanks for stopping by and on your way out leave a comment or two. Don’t get mad at me, I’m just a monkey observing you humans.

Cya

You Have What?

Written By: Generalharv - Feb• 23•12

Good morning, afternoon, or evening to all wherever you may be. For you that are here for the first time, my name is Harvey, and I’m a monkey. You have stumbled upon, or entered on your own, a site where fantasy and reality are intertwined and we can’t tell the difference. Now that we have established those facts let’s move on. I would encourage you to browse through our site and read the various articles that have been written by our most talented staff which consists of three animals and a human. Oh by the way, we all live here at the Funny Farm in a place called, “Our World.” It’s safer in our world than it is in yours. Enough said already.

With all the things that have taken place around here lately, some good, some not so good, we’ve had a difficult time keeping up our blog and our radio show. Pops, (he’s the ringleader of this outfit), wanted me to inform everyone that we are endeavoring to do the best we possibly can. I’m sure he’ll get into the details when the time comes but he wants all of our readers to hang in there just a while longer. Enough said already or did I say that already?

I’m the guy that’s always finding a way to get myself in trouble around here. Although I’m the most intelligent, most handsome, most popular, best writer on the staff, I seem to find a way to get on people’s nerves. I believe it all stems from others being jealous of me but I’m willing to put that aside for the moment and concentrate on the task at hand.

As an outsider of the human race I have observed some strange behaviors from you humans. Being a monkey isn’t so bad when you consider that humans are the most unpredictable species on this planet. I understand that God gave man dominion over all things on the earth. I don’t mean any disrespect but I can’t help but wonder if He didn’t kind of blow that one. He might be regretting that one, I don’t know, I’m just saying. Okay, where am I? Oh yeah, has anyone ever told you that butterflies taste with their feet? That’s right, someone did tell you that.

The sound goes with the announcement.

I stumbled upon a word yesterday that has led me to other words, so now I’m writing words that will lead me to the word that I discovered yesterday. You might have to read that sentence several times but eventually you’ll get it. Please, go no further until you reach up there and click that little arrow thingy so you get the full effect of the announcement. Here’s the word for yesterday which I’m announcing today so you can remember it tomorrow. The word is phobophobia.

First of all, phobia is an irrational persistent fear or dread so keep that in mind. I was at the zoo visiting some relatives when I came across the word phobophobia. I overheard one of the keepers telling her friend that she had an aunt who had phobophobia. I had no idea what that was but it sure sounded like something I didn’t want, so I slipped away. I asked my great- uncle what that word meant and he said, “It’s a hobo that’s afraid of phones.”   One must take what great-uncle says with a grain of salt because he’s always coming up with farfetched words and meanings. I felt for sure his definition of phobophobia was made up so I headed for home.

The first place I went when I got back to the farm was The Funny Farm Library. Don’t laugh. This is a nut hut but many inmates, I mean clients, spend a considerable amount of time at the library. In fact our librarian who was never a librarian in the real world is the best librarian we have because we never had a librarian before. I couldn’t find a dictionary due to the fact there is only two picture books in the entire library. Remember this is the Funny Farm.

I hurried back to my hooch, fired up my computer, and googled phobophobia. The meaning of the word wasn’t even close to what great-uncle said it was. Phobophobia is a fear of fearing; a fear of phobias. The word and its meaning started my wheels to turning so before I proceed any further allow me to say: The views and opinions stated herein are strictly the views and opinions of the author, Harvey. I always wanted to say that.

This phobophobia thing is the King of Phobias. I’ll call it King Phobia because to me there is no greater phobia than phobophobia. Follow closely now so I don’t lose you. Other phobias such as claustrophobia which is the fear of being trapped or confined within a small space only comes upon you when you encounter such a situation. How about hypsiphobia? It is the unwarranted fear of heights. I guess that if you’re on the ground or not up on anything you are fine. It’s when you no longer have your feet on the ground that this phobia bites you in the butt. Oh yes, lest I forget, my favorite phobia is ablutophobia which is the fear of washing and or/bathing.

Please note: I’m adding one more phobia to the list which I shall name bophobia. Bophobia is the fear of having to be in the presence of someone or more than one person who has ablutophobia which is having a fear of washing and or/bathing. The bo at the beginning of the word means body odor. I’m going to put a caboose on this thing for now but I have more to come. You need to remember that I’m writing this through the eyes of a monkey. You humans sure are funny creatures. I have to go study this phobia thing some more. When I come back I’ll explain why phobophobia is the King of all phobias.

Leave some comments before you go away just to let us know that you were here and stayed a while. Thanks for stopping by.

P.S. I counted 31 different phobias while I was reading but more on that later.

Here’s Where we Stand Thus Far

Written By: George Espenlaub - Feb• 22•12

We’re gaining some momentum with building our story one sentence at a time. We’re asking young, old, and somewhere in between to participate. Please don’t shy away from our project and think you have nothing to contribute. Read what has been written thus far and add one more sentence to the story. Let’s see what kind of story we can build by putting our heads together.

Remember, in every story there is a beginning, middle, and end. Dialogue makes the characters come alive. We’re writing this in first person through the eyes of the main character which is Peter. Some of the setting has been described as Peter travels down that narrow country road. Let’s make the story burst into life as we become the main character. Shut out the noise around you for a few seconds and close your eyes as you ride down that narrow country road in your raggedy pickup truck at first light with ominous clouds above you. Go ahead write that one   sentence that will spark the imagination of someone else.

Here’s what we have thus far: “I don’t like the looks of them there clouds,” Pete said to himself as he bounced and bumped his way down the narrow country road.” As if he could afford one more delay, Peter shook off the feeling of dread and urged the old pickup truck forward coaxing it like an old friend. This was one journey Peter was not anxious to take. “Lord, give me strength to make it through this”, Peter prayed.

He’d started his journey at first light, but the clouds were getting darker and making for not a much lighted path on this bumpy road. “Is this road getting more grown in and narrower than I remember?” he thought.  “Humph… prolly just these old eyes of mine not seeing so clear anymore.” Finally, he could see the clearing and the road became larger and he could now drive with ease, but he also knew his destination wasn’t that much further. He also knew that what waited and the news he had to tell would not be a pleasant first morning greeting at all.

Come on and join us in writing this story one sentence at a time. Did I say that already? Click on the link and let’s continue our story. I want to read this on my radio show when we get it done so please help us in this endeavor. From all of us here at the Funny Farm we thank you for your co-operation. Besides, its fun, isn’t it? Pass the word for us and we’ll see you soon.

Help Me Build the Story

Written By: George Espenlaub - Feb• 22•12

I wonder how many of our readers will help me build a story if I write the first line? Where will it take us? How powerful will the story be? Let’s write this story in first person from the eyes of the main character. Throw in dialogue and make the characters come alive. Remember, in every story there is a beginning, middle, and ending. What dilemma does the main character find him/her in and how does he/she bring about a solution. What setting and when is this taking place? I think you’re getting the picture now.

We’re going to do this on my my Facebook page so if you are reading this here at The Espenblog please click on the link so you can participate in our project. While you are there I’d like for you to become my friend.

I’d like to put this thing together and read it on The George Espenlaub Radio Show. Here are a few guidelines:

  1. Keep it clean. Any vulgar sentences will be removed.
  2. Only one sentence per participate
  3. Young, old, or somewhere in between is welcome.

I’ll start if off with: “I don’t like the looks of them there clouds,” Pete said to himself, as he bounced and bumped his way down the narrow country road.

Help us Decide by Participating in our Poll…Who do you think is Fibbing?

Written By: George Espenlaub - Feb• 02•12

My last article entitled, “There is no Truth in Them,” was written to expose Ms Ernestine for what she is. I have set the record straight by telling you the truth. Please cast your vote for the one, me or Ms Ernestine, whom you believe is telling a fib. Our readers have the insight to determine who is and who isn’t telling the truth. If you haven’t read the article yet just click on the category, “Harvey Speaks,” and my last article will appear. Thank you for your vote. NOTE: only Pops can make a poll so I went into his goodies and created one without him knowing…..that’s the reason his name is up there saying that he wrote this. I’m just too smart.

The Truth is not in Them

Written By: Generalharv - Feb• 02•12

Have you noticed that Pops, Ms Ernestine, and Charlie are continually saying, “It’s much safer in our world than it is in yours?” I have said those words many times myself but while I was in a bind the other day I thought about it. Being handcuffed to a chair with a stinky sock jammed in your mouth is not a pleasant experience. You’ll have to read Ms Ernestine’s last article to understand what I’m talking about if you don’t already know.

Pretty boy Charlie and Ms Ernestine thought it was funny. She told you all that the two of them were going to come back and release me but they never did. Pops had no idea what was going on although he was in the room but he wasn’t in the room. He was in one of those so called deep thinking modes which to me simply means, Pops is spaced out. His mind short circuited as it does every so often and Pops goes into la la land and has no clue of what’s going on around him. That old geezer doesn’t fool me.

I’m on a roll now so I may as well tell you what really took place in that room. That so called emergency meeting was not what Ms Ernestine portrayed it as. The old girl painted a pretty picture for you all to see but what she painted on her canvass was far from the truth. Why do you think I was handcuffed to a chair and gagged? Think about it. Being such a responsible journalist I feel that it’s my responsibility to set the record straight for all of our loyal readers around the world. With brush in hand and canvass before me, I will now paint you a picture of what took place the other day contrary to what those two goofballs said.

It is true that towards the end of the three week bash, Pops disappeared. That alone is not strange because he does that every so often, just up and goes away. Sometimes it’s legitimate, other times his brain housing group shuts down and it’s hard tell what Pops will say or do. Such was the case this time when he wandered off. What I’m telling you isn’t a bad thing because most of the folks here in our world are like that. Why do you think it’s called the funny farm? When it happens to Pops there is a damage control unit that moves in and covers everything up.

I was approaching The Espenblog World Headquarters the other day when I spotted Pops arriving in his special transportation device. I have no idea what it really is so let’s call it his STD. He jumped off of his STD and began to walk around in circles mumbling to his self. I was so into watching Pops that I didn’t notice Charlie and Ms Ernestine approaching. Have I ever told you that butterflies taste with their feet?

Before I realized what was happening Ms Ernestine had snatched me by my neck and was carrying me into the building while Charlie helped Pops. The big girl carried me into the office and threw me into a chair and told me in no uncertain terms that I better not utter a word. Meanwhile Charlie brought Pops in and laid him down on the sofa. Pops was babbling on about nothing and every now and then he would set up, stop babbling, look around, and lay back down.  I started to say something and that’s when Ms Ernestine, not Charlie, handcuffed me to the chair and jammed one of her stinky socks in my mouth. Have you ever had the socks of a sow jammed in your mouth? Have I ever mentioned that butterflies taste with their feet?

As soon as I was restrained and Pops drifted off to sleep, Ms Ernestine and Charlie began to discuss how they were going to cover this up. The two geniuses forgot to plug my ears so I couldn’t hear anything. That was their first mistake. Ms Ernestine, the pure, lily white, does nothing wrong, always prim and proper came up with the idiotic plan to tell everyone there had been an emergency meeting called where Pops would look like a hero by suspending himself for seven days. Of course they had to make me look like the bad guy just as they always do by telling everyone that I was shooting off my mouth. Those two will use anyone and anything to protect the image of Pops.

After what seemed like forever the two geniuses high fived each other and carried Pops out. There I set, handcuffed to the chair, gagged, and left alone while the two scallywags made their way to the door laughing hysterically. Ms Ernestine shouted out, “See you later Harvey.”

Charley added his two cents by saying, “Yeah, much later.”

It was 24 hours later that I was finally set free by one of the loons who just happened to stop by looking for Pops. Fortunately Ms Ernestine had left the keys to the handcuffs on the desk so after many attempts to get the key in the hole the loon was able to release me from the chair. I was happy that he came by but from the moment he first saw me he continually laughed and never shut up. He was still laughing when I left the building.

What I’m telling you is the truth, the whole truth, you can bet your booty kind of truth. I know they’re going to call me out as soon as I post this article but I’m ready for them. I have other evidence that I can reveal if I need to. The fireworks are going to start when Ms Ernestine and Charlie read this. By the way, they put Pops in one of those padded cells until he gets right which usually takes about 7 days. You all remember you heard it first from old Harvey boy; maybe after this people will start to take me seriously.

On your way out leave me a comment if you believe me or not. Don’t be afraid…tell me what you think. I can take it.

 

Pops Suspends Himself for Seven Days

Written By: Msernestine - Jan• 31•12

“I’ve called this emergency meeting to suggest that we, the writers of, ‘The Espenblog,’ should fire ourselves effective immediately,” so said Pops. “All of us here at, ‘The Espenblog,’ have been shirking our responsibilities big time and therefore, drastic action must be taken.”

I’ve been a lot of places, done a lot of things, been a part of many organizations, set in a lot of meetings, and heard a lot of proposals but what Pops said as he opened the meeting hit me so hard I fell off my bench. You all know that I’m rather large so when I go down it isn’t something that goes unnoticed. I was so flabbergasted that I hyperventilated. Have you ever seen a large sow hyperventilate? If it hadn’t been for the quick action of Charlie grabbing a paper bag I most assuredly would have passed on. Harvey never lifted a finger to help. He just set there laughing his fool head off.

Pops stood there watching the spectacle like he was in a daze. He hasn’t been himself since we had the big three week bash. He came up missing as the party was winding down and he just returned in time to announce this emergency meeting. I’ll give you the details of where he was later on in this article if I can remember to do so. Well, after I got myself together I addressed Pops by saying, “If we agree to fire ourselves who will write the articles for the blog? If we have no writers we have no blog; if we have no blog we have no loyal readers who have supported us over the years; if we have no readers to make as crazy as the rest of us we have failed in our mission. Pops, I’m not sure what is wrong with you but you’re not thinking clearly. Sit down, take a deep breath, shake yourself real good, and think about what you’re suggesting.”

Harvey was running his lip saying that he was too important to be fired and it was because of his writing that, “The Espenblog,” was a success. Let it up to old fat head Harvey to try to get the spotlight shining on him. He’s already forgotten that he had been suspended for seven days for not contributing to the blog. I couldn’t help but laugh when Charlie reached over as fast as lightening and handcuffed Harvey’s hands to the chair and jammed a sock in his big mouth. Charlie’s such a delightful little fellow.

Pops sat down in his on his thinking device and went to work thinking. If you have never seen Pops thinking you are missing out on one of the most spectacular sights that takes place on this planet. I’m not exaggerating when I say that people for miles around come here to the funny farm just to watch Pops think. We try to keep it from leaking out when Pops goes into one of his deep thought routines but with all the loons around here there’s just no way to keep it from being known. Why even the loony’s from up at, “The Mountain Top Funny Farm,” gets wind of it and comes down in droves to watch the spectacle. Pops has two deep thought poses and whichever one he begins with, he ends with. Folks enter at their own risk when they come to watch Pops think. One never knows what pose he may be in and Pops makes no excuses for either pose. When he’s in deep thought he is oblivious to the surroundings. He sees nothing, hears nothing, and says nothing. Whatever it appears that Pops is doing while he is posing you can rest assured that he’s not actually doing what it looks as if he’s doing. How did I get over here on that?

While Pops went into his deep thinking routine the three of us set there waiting. After almost three hours Pops snapped out of his deep thinking pose and announced that he had the remedy. “Being that I’m the one in charge of this conglomeration I hereby do suspend myself for the period of seven days. I will not participate in the writing of articles for, ‘The Espenblog.’ Ms Ernestine will be in charge of the blog until I serve my suspension at which time I will resume my duties.” With that being said Pops stood up, fixed his britches, folded his newspaper, walked out, and climbed upon his vehicle and went away. Charlie and I followed Pops out the door forgetting to release Harvey from his chair; not really.

Never did get to tell you where Pops was or what he was up to but I will next time. We’ll set Harvey free after while so he can write the next article although he’s going to be upset. Hey drop some comments before you leave. I think Pops went to the radio studio to get ready for the show so stay posted for the announcement. Thanks for hanging in there with us. Are you as crazy as the rest of us yet?

The Vikings Have Arrived

Written By: Msernestine - Jan• 16•12

We are now sixteen days into the New Year and this is the first article that’s been written since December 20, 2011. The events that have taken place these past several weeks here in our world could be termed unbelievable, but you must always remember that this is a place where fantasy and reality are intertwined and we can’t tell the difference. Couple that with the fact this is the Funny Farm and you have the ingredients that will cause you to shake your head in dismay and confusion. Take a deep breath and try to digest that last sentence.

After the teeth and Hairyetta Prickly were taken out by the Funny Farm Commando Team just days before Christmas, there was a huge celebration. The teeth that had been biting the butts of the inhabitants of our world had been liquidated and Prickly was exiled to a far, far away place so everyone was in a festive mood. Even Mom Mom let down her hair and got in on the action.

It wasn’t intended for the party to last 3 weeks but once it got started it seemed no one wanted it to end, including myself. I let myself get carried away in the moment and rode the wave as long as I could. What a ride I had. One only needs to look at my picture to see that Ms Ernestine didn’t hold back this time. As an old sow that’s been around the block a few times I’ve attended some knockdown, drag em out parties, but never have I seen anything like this.

The food was delicious, the entertainment superb, the inmates were hilarious, and even Harvey was tolerable if you can believe that. I’m embarrassed to say that, “we lost all sense of time but we just didn’t care.” Our world came to a screeching halt when the party began. Work was neglected, deadlines ignored, phones went unanswered, and whatever else was missed, was missed. If I had to do it all over again I’d do it just like I did it. I squealed the whole time I was partying although I feel somewhat queasy right now.

Cindy, the Chief Psychiatrist and her buddy had a good time. She was giving shock treatments to those who wanted one. Every time I passed the shock machine, Ralph the Nose Picker was taking a treatment and there was a long line of inmates that were patiently waiting their turn. The loons love watching one another get the zapper thrown to them and they all crack up when Cindy jolts another one. I guess being loony makes you like that, but then again, this is the Funny Farm. I’m getting a little loony myself the more I hang around here.

The highlight of the party was when by accident, “The Vikings & Company,” were delivered. Cindy is a highly trained loon, I mean psychiatrist, but even she makes a mistake now and then. Apparently she thought she had ordered vitamins for the inmates but we come to find out, she said the word Vikings instead of vitamins. That’s why we thought it strange when the rail depot called and asked us if we could come and pick up our Vikings. Pops asked if they meant vitamins but they insisted it was Vikings. We were informed that we should send a bus to pick them up at once. Our man Travis was instructed to go get the Vikings which we still insisted were vitamins. Pops was so sure that the vitamins had come by rail that he told Travis to take the truck and not the bus. Sure enough, Travis returned after a while to exchange the truck for the bus. He swore up and down that the bus was needed to bring the Vikings back to the farm. Pops said, “Whatever,” so Travis drove off in the bus only to return with a bus load of Vikings.

All eyes were on the bus as the gang of Vikings quickly unloaded. I was wondering what we would do with a herd of Vikings when much to my surprise I noticed Travis yelling instructions to some of the inmates that gathered around the bus. The main Viking dude wanted some help unloading their stuff. Travis, the inmates, and the Vikings began carrying suitcases, musical instruments, props, and what looked like a ship that needed assembling into the main building. This was getting more interesting by the moment.

Don’t forget while the bus was being unloaded the party continued. The streets were filled with the Funny Farm Marching Band that marches backwards. The Funny Farm Drum Corps was right behind the band or should I say right in front of the band that was marching backwards. Let’s try to get this right: the Funny Farm Drum Corps was in front of the band but because the band marches backwards the drummers would be following the band. Take a deep breath and picture it in your mind as everyone lines up in their positions. Some of you are saying that you’re not going to do that but the wheels in your head are turning as you try to sort it out. Admit it; you are getting as crazy as the rest of us.

I’m leaving for a short time so I’ll continue when I get back. I must go make sure that Charlie has survived this party. Harvey has locked himself in the outhouse and won’t come out. Mom Mom has stolen Travis’ tractor and won’t give it back. The Vikings have their ship assembled and are trying to row away on dry ground. Things are getting back to normal now that the party is over…..has anyone seen Pops lately?

Leave some comments and keep an eye out for Pops. We never know where he’ll show up if he shows up at all. Come on into our world…it’s safer in here than it is out there in your world. We’ll be waiting.

Ms Ernestine Goes Commando

Written By: Msernestine - Dec• 20•11

First of all let me say that I certainly enjoyed myself hosting the radio show yesterday. Everyone that was at the studio had a blast. Many of the loons and some of the visitors told me that they have never danced so much in their life. When the show was over there was quite a few of the visitors that stayed and continued dancing with the loons. I believe the entire funny farm was rocking yesterday. I’ve heard reports that our left legged cows were rocking up on the hillside while the music was playing. There’s never a dull moment around here, that’s for sure.

Now I have some bad news to report. It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that Harvey has been kidnapped and is being held hostage by the teeth. The article that Harvey wrote the other day stated that he was being attacked by at least three sets of teeth. The last we heard Harvey was fleeing with the teeth hot on his trail. Apparently Harvey was overrun and taken away by the teeth. I know this to be a fact because I received, first a note, and then a phone call demanding a huge sum of money for Harvey’s release. If I don’t comply the teeth said, and I quote, “If our demand is not met by midnight tonight, we the teeth will chew Harvey up one side and down the other.” I break out in a cold sweat every time I read the note and replay the recording of their phone call. I was given explicit instructions that I must follow or Harvey will be chewed up and spit out. For some reason Harvey has a knack for getting kidnapped.

I must set down and think this matter through. As far as I know the teeth have no idea that Charlie’s Commandos are closing in on them. This may work out to our advantage if I can just put all the pieces together in time. This isn’t the first time I’ve had my back against the wall.

As goofy as Harvey is, I sure don’t want anything bad to happen to him. He was hoping the teeth would snap on Charlie so he could be number one, never realizing that the teeth were on their way to snatch him up while he was writing his article. I’ll bet the old boy stained his britches when he saw the teeth coming for him. Now Harvey needs all of us here at the funny farm to get his butt out of the clutches of the teeth. I wonder where Hairyetta Prickly is.

It’s time for Ms Ernestine to take action now. I have a plan formulating even while I speak or should I say, “Even while I write?” My adrenaline is kicking in and I’m ready to kick butt. We weren’t expecting the teeth to kidnap Harvey, but I have a contingency plan prepared that will now make our operation even more lethal. Have you figured out who the head of this operation is yet? You surely don’t think for one minute that such an event like this could take place without Ms Ernestine being involved, do you?

Check back often today so you don’t miss the second part of, “Charlie’s Commandos,” that will be aired on, “The George Espenlaub Show.” You will be on the ground with the commandos as they move to rid our world of the menacing teeth. Don’t miss it…there are more surprises to come as yours truly, Ms Ernestine, goes commando.

Thanks for stopping by. Please inform your family and friends about the radio show and this blog site. Thank you for all your support as we endeavor to put a smile on your face. Don’t forget that we are trying to make you just as crazy as the rest of us here at the funny farm.

Please tune into, “The George Espenlaub,” show right here on this site by clicking on that radio player down there on the right hand side. You can also listen to the show by going to Pop’s face book page. While you are there sign up to become a friend. I know he would like that very much. You all take care and I’ll be back later.

I Will Be Number One

Written By: Generalharv - Dec• 15•11

I hope Ms Ernestine, along with that weiner dog Charlie, are happy now. It was because of those two that Pops suspended me. So I neglected a few things along the way; who hasn’t?  That’s alright because now I’m back and I’m a force to be reckoned with. I have been rejuvenated, but I will not be dictated to by these, “Nut hut cases,” that surround me. I have returned with more swagger, much more wisdom, an even higher level of energy, and a determination to show that little weiner who the favorite is around here.

Every time I hear the radio show I cringe. To think that Charlie, the new guy, gets to be the announcer for the show makes me cross-eyed and dizzy. If that’s not bad enough, it seems to me that the weiner has become a co-host. Last show Charlie was the star of the show as he led a commando team into the den of the teeth. Well, if I’m lucky the teeth will take care of Charlie and then Pops will have to make me a part of the show. I’ll be tuned into tonight’s program to see what happens to Charlie and his commandos.

I’ve been rehearsing for the sound off that’s coming soon between me and Charlie. If the teeth snap on that dog there won’t be any need to have the contest, but just in case, I’m ready. The inmates at the farm and the listeners of the show will have to vote me the favorite and I’ll become the new announcer of, “The George Espenlaub Show.” Either way I’m going to be the new attraction around here. In fact, I will make several predictions right here and now: First of all, I will not only be the new and permanent announcer, I will become the co-host of, “The George Espenlaub Show.” Second, after all the loons here at the funny farm and all the listeners around the world see and hear my talents, I will be begged to start my own radio show. Prediction number three is that after I have my own show I will shoot to the top of the ratings faster than a speeding bullet. When all my predictions come true I might let Pops be my co-host but don’t hold your breath. You all hide and watch as Harvey makes his move.

I must address another issue as soon as I get rid of this irritating raccoon that thinks he’s going to steal the show. There’s always someone or something that tries to distract me from my work. Charlie probably sent the idiot over here hoping that I would get so preoccupied by the irritator that I would miss my deadline and Pops would suspend me again. “It’s not going to happen, Charlie.” Now where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh yes, the other issue at hand.

The Crumbpackers Fantasy Football League finished their regular season play last Sunday and Georges’ Gorillas didn’t make the playoffs. The team finished with a dismal 6-8 record and I’m told that it’s my fault. Imagine blaming me for the bad showing just because I’m the GM of the team. I’m not the one that calls the plays and I’m not the one that participates on the field. Coach Whitey and the players are responsible for their poor season, not me. Pops is upset to the point he sent me a memo stating that, “An evaluation of your skills in the selecting of quality players during this past draft, and the continuance of making necessary trades and choosing free agents during the campaign year of 2011 will be rendered to you personably in the next 90 days. If so said evaluation is found to be unacceptable you will be terminated as GM of Georges’ Gorillas Fantasy Football Team.” What? Someone around here is trying to get rid of me. It’s not my fault. Why’s everybody always picking on me?

I would like all of our regular readers to think back to the many misfortunate mishaps I’ve incurred this past year. I was hospitalized due to an explosion that liked to kill me back in the late winter. Yes I know Ms Ernestine saved my butt. I was pushed down a hillside outside the hospital while waiting to be taken home. Actually I was ignored while sitting in my wheelchair totally helpless. Ms Ernestine was receiving the accolades of thousands of admirers while I was bumping my way down the hillside only to crash into a ditch. Being in a body cast I had no way to help myself. Luckily that drunken rabbit came by just in the nick of time to save me. To this day no one has discovered who it was that tried to do away with me.

Then there was the time that I was hung upside down from the goal posts by the gorillas, not to mention the times Ms Ernestine worked me over, and more recently I was just about electrocuted at the hands of that so called shrink, Cindy, over there at the funny farm. Couple those events along with being humiliated, neglected, falsely accused, ridiculed, and despised I have not had a very pleasant year. Now with this silly evaluation hanging over my head I feel as if someone is out to get me for sure.

Listen to the sound.

Oh my God, what’s that sound I hear? Is it what I think it is? It can’t be, not again, no way! The teeth are coming after me. Why is this happening? I see them now. There must be at least three sets of teeth coming down the hallway. I’m getting out of here….maybe I’ll be back soon, maybe not. Someone out there call for help. Don’t monkey around calling either.

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