The Espenblog

"You never know what may come forth from this simple-minded man!"

Ms. Ernestine Reports

Written By: George Espenlaub - Sep• 20•12

I’m here at Georges’ Gorilla’s Stadium waiting for head coach Whitey to explain what happened this past week when Randy’s Ravens slapped around, shook up, and smacked down one of the premier teams in the league. The Gorillas seemed to have lost their wind after last Thursday night’s game where they used three players and only scored 20 points. To make a long, sad story short, the Ravens sent the big, bad, ferocious gorillas, along with their GM Harvey, to the famous woodshed for a good old fashioned beating. The final score was Ravens 125 – Gorillas 87. The Gorillas were embarrassed in front of their home crowd which makes the victory even sweeter for the Ravens. Now Randy’s Ravens are one of two teams that remain undefeated.

In a major upset, Nan’s Nimrods, owned by Gertrude Doflicky, punched out Mike’s Nutinfutjobies 127 to 114. The players that are drafted by Gertrude Doflicky find themselves constantly under the gun if you know what I mean. She is one owner that doesn’t take losing very well. Any one woman that owns and operates the biggest hog farm in Our World; carries a loaded shotgun around, causes players that don’t perform well to disappear, wears a bathrobe and slippers with her hair up in curlers is an intimidating force that strikes fear in most people’s heart. She looks at me, Ms. Ernestine, like she wants to put me on a stick and slowly cook me over a fire. Gertrude Doflicky is the only person in Our World that causes me to tremble.

In other league action, the two sisters, Liza May Swampbush and Thelma Louise Studabeggar squared off in a smash mouth game that left the Little Rascals running for the hills. The Rascals, owned by Liza May, are one of the craziest teams in the entire league. This bunch, including their owner, refuses to be medicated. For that reason the team is confined to quarters during the week because they are a menace to our society. When game day comes they are turned loose on the football field where they cause confusion and havoc. Studabeggar sent the Rascals to the woodshed by winning 124 to 97. They are now locked away in their respected quarters licking their wounds while Liza May stomps around with her panties in a wad looking for revenge. If you are approached by this loon call the Funny Farm Police at once. If you don’t get an answer, rotate your phone 180 degrees and try again.

Cheryl’s Nutcrackers along with Derb and Mandy’s Weiners were both handily defeated which sent them to the woodshed. The wieners were smashed by the Grumolinators 167 – 101. The Nutcrackers were cracked by Kim’s Kritters 145 – 104 which enabled the Kritters to remain undefeated.

Another fierce rivalry ended in a tie between Jefferys’ Lions and Jeff’s Redskins. A tie game is rare in this league but nonetheless we had one between these two. A 139 – 139 tie could definitely be a factor in determining which team will get into the playoffs. We’ll have to wait and see but neither owner is happy with the end results. Suck it up buttercups and get over it!

With week two completed there is now more bitterness than sweetness, more animosity than civility, more hate than love, more frustration, agitation, and aggravation than peace, and more smack talk than ever before. Nasty text messages are being sent flying through cyberspace, unrepeatable phone calls are being exchanged, in person greetings have been replaced with not so nice gestures, and if looks could kill most if not all participates in this league would be dead. Other than that, all things are lovely here in Our World. How’s it going in yours?

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