The Espenblog

"You never know what may come forth from this simple-minded man!"

Harvey Has Been Suspended

Written By: George Espenlaub - Nov• 23•11

If you haven’t listened to last night’s radio program you need to go over to the right of this page, scroll down until you find the radio player, and hit the play button. Go ahead, you can listen to the show and read my article at the same time. In fact you can listen to every show that has been produced by this crazy bunch just by clicking on the episode button at the bottom right of the player. You’ll find that, “The George Espenlaub Show,” is somewhat different from most but most everything and everyone here at the Funny Farm is somewhat different. Click on that player; I’ll guarantee you that nothing bad will happen. Listening to the show may put a smile on your face. Okay, so much for that.

Well, it’s finally happened, Harvey went a little too far this time and Pops went through the roof. When he landed the first thing he did was to suspend Harvey for seven days without pay. I knew it was coming but Harvey is so headstrong he wouldn’t listen to me or anyone else for that matter. If you have been following, “The Espenblog,” for any length of time you know Harvey always finds a way to get in trouble. Pops nailed him for dereliction of duty but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Several weeks ago I received a phone call informing me that one of my dearest friends was gravely ill. Pops insisted that I leave immediately so as to spend time with my friend. Harvey promised Pops that he would pick up the slack, carry the load, and cover for me in this time of need. The readers of, “The Espenblog,” and the listeners of, “The George Espenlaub Show,” had no idea that things were piling up around here the same time I received that phone call.

Mom Mom was preparing for surgery, the fantasy football league was in full swing, the radio show needed to be produced, the Funny Farm with its many inmates, I mean clients, needed constant attention, and, “The Espenblog,” had to be taken care of. Knowing the severity of the situation, Harvey made it known that he was up to the task. I can still see his face as he stood in Pops office making his speech. “I’m a well trained, intelligent, and more than capable journalist that is able to meet the challenges that are before me. Please don’t forget that I’m the brilliant GM of Georges’ Gorillas Fantasy Football Team, so I can cover all the league action and keep our readers up to date with what’s happening.” It was the same old Harvey, full of himself, arrogant, and downright obnoxious. I glanced over at Pops and watched as he started a slow burn. I was getting a bad taste in my mouth.

There stood Harvey with his tailor made suit, leaning on his fancy cane flashing his three Super Bowl rings around like he just met us for the first time. Harvey is such goof. Pops slow burn was beginning to intensify so I jumped in with, “This is us you’re talking to.” It’s like he never heard me.”

Harvey continued on, “No one needs to worry about the Funny Farm either. I can run that place with my hands tied behind my back. When I appear at the farm the inmates will know that I’m a no nonsense kind of guy and if they know what’s good for them, they better walk the line.” How quickly Harvey forgot his last appearance at the farm when he was almost electrocuted to death by Ralph the Nose Picker. The inmates, I mean the clients are still laughing about that one.

It was the next blast of hot air from the meatball that caused Pops to jump to his feet. Harvey said, “Just let the radio show to me. I’ll produce the best show you have ever seen. The crowds and the listeners will multiply tenfold when I take over the show because I’m just that good.” Harvey was really stinking up the office now. His eyes were sparkling while his chest stuck out so far the buttons on his suit jacket were ready to pop off until Pops jumped to his feet and poked the goof dead in the center of his chest.

I squealed with delight as I watched Harvey instantly deflate and plop down on a chair. The coloring in his face drained until he looked like someone who had a bad case of the flu. His knees were knocking together as he set slouched and slumped in his chair. Have you ever seen anyone slouched and slumped at the same time while sitting in a chair?  I never did until that very moment.

The same finger that poked old peanut breath was now waggling in front of his nose. The finger was so close to Harvey’s nose that his eyes were crossed. His glasses were on the end of his nose, the finger was almost a part of his nose, and his eyes were crossed as he tried to follow the finger. What a hilarious sight it was. I think Pops had enough don’t you?

With the finger still waggling under the nose, Pops said between clenched teeth, “Harvey, the only thing I want you to do while Ms Ernestine is away is to keep the Standings, Scores, and Matchup Page current. I want you to report on all the action that takes place in the fantasy football league so all our readers are up to date with what’s happening. You will not, I repeat, you will not take care of the Funny Farm, nor will you take part in producing the radio show. I’ll not put a show on at all before I turn it over to you. If you can’t do what I’ve assigned you to do I’ll have to resort to taking harsh action.” I thought Harvey was going to pass out with fear. Pops was serious about this and Harvey knew it. As Pops and I left the office I thought I saw Harvey starting to cry. Pops sure busted his bubble. As Pops drove me to the, “Our World Airport,” I promised Pops I would stay in touch and return as soon as possible. He didn’t say a word, he just nodded.

You may be asking, “What took Pops so long to realize that Harvey was neglecting his duties if Pops was writing his series, “Fire in the Hole,” and posting them on the website?” I’m glad you asked. Mom Mom was hospitalized due to surgery so Pops was spending his time at the hospital. Because Pops didn’t have the time to write the articles himself he used a Ghost Writer. It was much easier for Pops to dictate his articles over the phone to the, “Chicken Lady,” and then she could put everything together and post it. This way Pops didn’t have to spend the time on the site, he could spend the time with Mom Mom. After Mom Mom came home Pops was and is continuing to be the caretaker while Chicken Lady does the typing and posting of his articles. Pops was under the impression that Harvey was doing what he was assigned to do until.

As Pops settled into the role of caretaker he would periodically call Harvey to get an update. Each time Harvey didn’t answer Pops would leave a message for Harvey to return his call. As things begin to return to somewhat normal Pops would call Harvey more often and leave more messages but to no avail. With no phone calls being returned Pops drove over to Harvey’s hooch only to find out from the neighbors that Harvey hadn’t been home for several weeks. Harvey hadn’t been to the Gorillas Training Facilities and he certainly hadn’t been to The Espenblog Offices. Where was Harvey? What was he doing? These were questions that begin to trouble Pops and his blood was beginning to boil. His nose told him that something was beginning to stink and his gut told him that Harvey was up too no good.

Pops received a phone call from someone who had information about Harvey but wouldn’t share the info unless he could remain anonymous. Upon agreeing with the man Pops found out that Harvey was partying down with his old flame named Woman. Pops was given times and location where Harvey and Woman had been. The man even e-mailed a picture of Harvey and Woman getting into Harvey’s vehicle. Now don’t jump to conclusions and say that Pops was meddling in Harvey’s private affairs. That’s not the case at all.

Before Pops went ballistic he took the time to check the website. He knew what he would find before he even brought the site up. There it was or should I say, there it wasn’t? No updates on the Scores, Standings, and Matchup Page since week two. We were now in week 11. To make matters worse Harvey hadn’t written any articles since October 7th. I walked in while Pops was on the site checking things out. I wanted to surprise him but I was the one that was surprised as I watched Pops blow a gasket and go through the roof. I didn’t know what was going on but I had enough sense to know that somehow Harvey was involved. I also knew that when Pops landed bad things were going to happen to someone and that someone was probably Harvey.

Pops was so angry that when he finally landed he never noticed me standing in his office. He was saying, “Spleaky, splanky, spluck!” That’s not exactly what he was saying, in fact that isn’t even close, but you get the picture. He picked up his cell phone and spoke into it saying, “Call Harvey.” Oh boy, this isn’t going to be pretty. Pops still hadn’t noticed me. He had the speaker turned on and I heard as Harvey answered with that arrogant tone of voice. Harvey never had a chance as Pops demanded that Harvey be in his office standing tall within 30 minutes. I still hadn’t been noticed. There was more, “Sleaky, splanky, spluck talk,” as Pops paced back and forth. Did I mention that Pops hadn’t noticed me yet? He was out there somewhere for sure. How do not notice a big girl like me?

In less than 10 minutes I heard the outside door open and close. The footsteps seemed to be moving slowing down the tile covered hallway. I listened as the footsteps drew closer to the door and then, there he was. Harvey had arrived looking like he had been run over by a truck. Pops stopped pacing, looked over at what was a resemblance of Harvey holding onto the door frame for support. The old goof was shaking so hard that I thought he was going to fly apart any second now. Pops moved quickly and stood in front of Harvey’s face waggling that finger under his nose again. “Harvey,” Pops bellowed. “You are suspended for seven days without pay. Don’t say a word, take your monkey butt out of here and I don’t want to see your face for seven days and seven nights. Go!” Harvey almost collapsed as he turned to walk away. Neither one of them had noticed me standing there. Go figure.

Pops never knew I had returned until last night when I appeared at the radio station. I haven’t seen Harvey since yesterday, have you? I personally invite you to tune into the radio show later on today, tell your friends and neighbors about The Espenblog and the show, leave some comments, ask some questions, and have a great day. Are you as crazy as the rest of us yet? Cya later boys and girls.

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